November172010

Sister site

judgebysight.tumblr.com

November122010
“Right where to start, I Think I’d change a few things about myself;All through my younger years I was average height although I did get some comments about how tall I seemed to some, I was slim and had good skin which ultimately made me a confident child, always full of energy and something to say. As soon as I hit puberty and started secondary school it was like a bomb hit!It seemed like a reverse, I piled on the “puppy fat” you’re supposed to start with and lose, my skin got worse, which got me interested in covering up with make-up and my hair which ultimately made me want to hide away, I had a growth spurt and I hit 5 foot 11 ½ which is very tall for a 12/13 year old and completely knocked my confidence especially when people pointed it out. But I think the two things I’d like to change about myself the most would be the way in which people perceive me, I try my best not to cover up the real me, even though I have to modify it for working life (unfortunately), but as I grew older and more comfortable in the things I loved, I was extremely stubborn and I never let anyone change the way I dressed or what I did, no matter how much it hurt and have now learnt to just laugh off the comments and judgments. But sometimes It’s made me questions my own beliefs and loves, and makes me wish I could go back, just be a “norm”, just blend in and exist, But thankfully I then wake up and realize that would never be me, no matter how hard I tried to.After my knock of confidence I became a very shy person and at one point a recluse. This used to frustrate me immensely. I always used to worry that I might be coming off the wrong way to people. They would say they “hated” me or think I had no interest in talking to them or being their friend etc basically I’d clam up and not know what to say and even in some circumstances I’d go red and be extremely embarrassed, I disliked myself so much I didn’t want anyone to know the real me. But it’s not how I am at all! In many ways I’m still this same shy girl, but after so many years I’ve found the things that have made me, me and helped me become the real me. The busier I keep the more I feel comfortable in what I do and pushing myself to further education moving in with strangers, into social situations have definitely helped me and I’ve managed to surround myself with the right people.”

“Right where to start, I Think I’d change a few things about myself;

All through my younger years I was average height although I did get some comments about how tall I seemed to some, I was slim and had good skin which ultimately made me a confident child, always full of energy and something to say. As soon as I hit puberty and started secondary school it was like a bomb hit!

It seemed like a reverse, I piled on the “puppy fat” you’re supposed to start with and lose, my skin got worse, which got me interested in covering up with make-up and my hair which ultimately made me want to hide away, I had a growth spurt and I hit 5 foot 11 ½ which is very tall for a 12/13 year old and completely knocked my confidence especially when people pointed it out.

But I think the two things I’d like to change about myself the most would be the way in which people perceive me, I try my best not to cover up the real me, even though I have to modify it for working life (unfortunately), but as I grew older and more comfortable in the things I loved, I was extremely stubborn and I never let anyone change the way I dressed or what I did, no matter how much it hurt and have now learnt to just laugh off the comments and judgments. But sometimes It’s made me questions my own beliefs and loves, and makes me wish I could go back, just be a “norm”, just blend in and exist, But thankfully I then wake up and realize that would never be me, no matter how hard I tried to.

After my knock of confidence I became a very shy person and at one point a recluse. This used to frustrate me immensely. I always used to worry that I might be coming off the wrong way to people. They would say they “hated” me or think I had no interest in talking to them or being their friend etc basically I’d clam up and not know what to say and even in some circumstances I’d go red and be extremely embarrassed, I disliked myself so much I didn’t want anyone to know the real me. But it’s not how I am at all!

In many ways I’m still this same shy girl, but after so many years I’ve found the things that have made me, me and helped me become the real me. The busier I keep the more I feel comfortable in what I do and pushing myself to further education moving in with strangers, into social situations have definitely helped me and I’ve managed to surround myself with the right people.”
May222010

Not the most recent photo, but I haven’t changed a lot since then. Oh and my head isn’t that square on the average day, promise. ;)

Oh man.

Physically i’m pretty much ok though I would like clearer skin and healthier hair.

I have been picked on because for being flat chested but actually like having small boobs. (They are just human udders afterall) Overall I am body confident. =]

Now the mental shizzle.

I think I have paranoia issues. If someone upsets me I assume they’re doing it deliberately, which isn’t the case. If someone doesn’t get in contact with me then I assume i’ve done something to upset them rather than that they’re busy/ they’ve forgotten, etc. This applies mainly to close friends.

This makes life very hard as i’ll start to worry about it for ages until I next talk to them, and then i’ll explode in a rage or just get really upset with them… v_v

I’m trying not to get so paranoid as it’s pushing people away from me, as I have random goes at them… I am trying very hard to just learn to be patient and chill.

I’m also trying to be a bit more mature. I find people don’t take me seriously sometimes (my size doesn’t help) but I feel the need to prove that I am a young adult not a little girl… But sometimes I am immature, for example if I have arguments with people, I just hang up on them or walk off. I need to stop that as it is so disrespectful and need to learn to resolve things rather than to come out on top. =/

Oh and I also find it very hard to trust people once they have deeply upset me. Even after they’re alright with me, i’ll find reasons to pick fights with them, because I am scared that if I trust them again, they’ll betray me or something. I wish I didn’t do it because I do, and it makes it very hard to become peoples friends again after falling out with them.

So to summarized, I need to chill!

7AM

I know a lot of people think that self help books are a load of nonsense, but I honestly believe that I owe my current state of mind and relationship to them.

Last year my boyfriend broke up with me because my anger had become so bad that he couldn’t cope with me anymore. He ended up in hospital as an indirect result of one of my outbursts, which had led to him cutting his foot open on a lamp I’d knocked onto the floor. It was only then that I realised the extent of my problem and decided to get help, even though I’d promised plenty of times before that I would sort myself out.

My GP referred me to a therapist, but as the waiting times were quite long I bought some self help books in the meantime. These books helped me to learn my anger triggers and how I could not only change my expectations, but change my reactions and become more assertive.

My boyfriend and I got back together when he saw the positive changes in me. Things have been up and down since then but have been on the up for quite some time now, and I’m proud to say that I can’t even remember my last tantrum. I did eventually see the therapist but I didn’t feel she could help me any more than I could help myself. Talking about it to someone made a difference, but by that time I was already recovering.

Other than that I actually quite like myself. I think I’m reasonably intelligent, socially aware and good at talking to people when I’m not too shy.

Like so many others I’m not entirely happy with my appearance, but I don’t fret too much over it. What I would like to change is my self-esteem. I can be terribly insecure at times and this manifests in my sniping at other females who are obviously much more confident than I am, usually on TV or in films. I catch myself doing this sometimes and try and counteract it by saying positive things about the female in question, which probably makes me look totally fickle :lol:

Hmmm, that’s enough waffling from me!

7AM

I actually think I’m pretty awesome :D I generally have a great personality, I can strike up a conversation with anyone (though I can be shy at first) and I have a great sense of humour. All the things I have been through have made me tough as nails, I can get through almost anything now and not get overly stressed. I love the way I’m very mature and yet manage to have a sense of humour too. I don’t like the way I react to unknown situations though, I sometimes freak out completely to the point of breaking down and then feel fine ten minutes later… I worry about how it affects people around me. Thankfully this is rare. The thing I don’t like about my personality is that I can be a complete pushover because I cannot stand conflict and upsetting people. I’d much rather other people were happier over me, because I just cannot stand being selfish. I also feel like I don’t really belong anywhere, and I’m quite paranoid as to what other people are thinking, I automatically assume that they’re assuming the worst of me and that they only pretend to be my friend when they’re secretly thinking about how much of a loser I am… although I am proud to be a nerd and a loser XD I don’t really trust anyone except about 3 people, but this works for me because I’m not the type of person who needs many friends.

I think I’m fairly attractive physically, don’t let the photo fool you :lol: I can actually be quite narcissistic at times, though I do have moments of self consciousness. The only things I’d like to change really are my weight, which is fixable, and my eyelids - that may sound weird but I have a rather chubby face and I can’t wear pretty eyeshadows because you just don’t see them! It also makes me look either angry, sleep deprived or sleazy in photos haha. I LOVE my body, I have curves in all the right places. I love my big butt the most, and whilst I’m not a fan of my stomach and calves, I’m working on losing weight. I tend to procrastinate though so the slimming down seems to be taking its sweet time… The thing that tends to upset me about my weight is the fact that clothes in my size don’t exist because I’m so tall thanks to my European genes. I look like an average size 12 but I am actually a 16. Normal clothes shops stop at size 14 and plus size ones start at a size 18 at least, there’s nothing out there for me so I end up wearing the exact same thing over and over which makes me feel really upset. I always have to wear singlets too because tops come up way too short and I don’t want to flash my belly to anyone. I also loathe my skin, it’s awful. I constantly have to cover up my body and wear foundation on my face. I’m hoping it’s just because I’m still a teenager because I eat very well and take good care of my skin :|

I’ll leave it there because I’m supposed to be studying for an exam I have tomorrow lol.

7AM

I’ll start with image, I don’t like my height, I’d rather be taller, I’m 5ft3 and would like to be a bit taller; I hate that being back in Cornwall for the summer has led to me gaining weight, I hate that my thighs and my bum. I hate my nose. All the things I hate about myself physically people criticise anyway. I used to be really confident and didn’t care about what anyone thought, but somewhere along the way that changed.
Now for the other aspects of me…my dad thinks my sister is a better daughter than me and always forgets about my birthday and christmas and what not when it comes to me, but my sister always gets something. It’s been the same since we were little, but she likes football and I don’t.
I never seem to be good enough for any of the guys I date, so I gave up along the way and acted like I didn’t care or liked them very much to try and avoid getting hurt. This I wanna sort out. I just seem to doubt myself too much.

7AM

Personally I love myself! I’m great!

I only realised this though, after breaking up with my freakish controlling boyfriend of 3 years. He made me think I was an emotionless robot that couldn’t express my feelings because I had none. SO I LEFT HIM!! HAHA!! (actually took a lot for me)
Now I’m great. I have a hawt body. I have a HAWT man in my life. My hair is growing at an acceptible rate. I CAN DRIVE :D I have so much fucking self confidence I can go to a club on my own and not drink and have a fantastic time dancing on my own and go home and go to bed.

WOO

7AM

If i’m honest i’m not too fond of myself, i don’t like my weight, my nose is bent, and my skin has tormented me since i was 10 and will not improve, plus no matter what i can’t seem to get the ‘look’ i pictured in my head when i first ventured into the wardrobe
As far as my personality goes, i’m quite ashamed to say that i am incredibly apathetic, selfish and manipulative, i’ve tried to change and be more considerate, and honestly i do feel bad if i really upset someone, but in the end i weigh up how much it really matters to me and i can’t seem to get a ‘decent person’ outcome, perhaps i need therapy, or more chocolate
the one thing i should and actually can change about myself is my procrastination, i know that in a pinch i can get a ‘good’ grade, but if i actually applied myself, it could be waaaay better each and every time

7AM

Looks wise my weigh concerns me, but as I’m on a diet and in so far I’ve lost over 1 stone, this is something that I am doing something about. I do dislike my chubby fingers, but unfortunately that seems to be something that runs in the family!
Other than that I’m not too bothered by my looks.

Personality wise I am quite bossy and a lot of the time I don’t even realise that I am doing it.
However I don’t let people push me around, and I hate other people who let it happen to them (I get defensive about it on their behalf, and have been known to fall out with people over it, even though they weren’t messing around with me)
I think the main thing that bothers me about me, is that I get bad social anxiety and people perceive me as being a bitch, because I have to force myself to make small talk with people.
I also tend to get annoyed with people very easily. And I am totally pants at hiding what I am thinking so if I am annoyed with someone then generally they know something is up.
On the other side to this, when I’m at work, nothing seems to phase me and it is all water off a ducks back. Weird.

7AM

Hhmm.. Image wise the main thing I struggle with is my skin. It breaks out a lot and as a very clean (It used to be a case of obsessively so) person I find it extremely distressing. This has a big impact on my self perception an awful lot of the time. I very rarely feel pretty. I generally use playing with fashion as a way of making myself feel better.

I’m perfectly happy with my body- maybe a bit more curve up top would be nice and more curvy hips? Other than that, as long as I’m in reasonable shape, I’m happy.

Personality wise I can be a bit of a mess, although I’m so much better than I used to be. I still don’t trust people. That is a huge thing I’m working on. Thankfully I have a very lovely long-term boyfriend (which helps) and fantastic friends.

I can be very selfish. If I want something, I fixate on it. I’m very driven- I will put in my all to get what I want. Hard work is fine as long as it gets the result I want. On occasion I can forget other things when I have a goal in mind- I want to work on remembering to balance things a little more.

I’m usually happiest when I have some sort of project- learning a new Hula hoop trick, doing an art piece or writing. I’m trying to do more of these things to improve my over all happiness and improve my confidence.

← Older Entries Page 1 of 6